A divorce case involves people in crisis who are undergoing a great deal of stress. Their perceptions of reality are often distorted since their uniquely personal view of "reality" is filtered through the emotional lenses of anger, fear, and hurt. 

We encourage the client to discuss the problems in the relationship that caused the marriage to break down. We gather information about the history of the relationship to help assess the anticipated future needs of the client. Sometimes after an initial conference, we may recommend marriage counseling for a client. Even when marital therapy is not appropriate, we may encourage our client to seek divorce counseling to help him or her work through this chaotic time.

It is important to remember that each party views the current crisis from an intensely personal perspective. Moreover, the parties often limit their thoughts about the "crisis relationship" to the present, rather than considering the history and the future of the relationship. We help you see the "crisis relationship" from a less emotional perspective, so you will be better able to assess your options and analyze the impact of current decisions on the future. When children are involved, you must understand that divorce does not end the relationship with the children’s other parent, it merely requires a re-defining of that relationship. Thus, the current crisis is a mere "snapshot" of the relationship frozen in time, and the future relationship will change depending on how each party decides to handle this crisis. Essentially, a divorce involves the restructuring of the relationship. 

In order to restructure the relationship, the parties must go through a process of letting go of the old relationship. We call this the process of "Uncoupling." Each stage in the uncoupling process has emotional components for the parties to handle which may put them on emotional roller-coasters. Virtually every person who goes through a divorce passes through these emotional stages in the divorce process of "uncoupling" in their marriage.  Unfortunately, the two parties are seldom focused on the same aspect of the uncoupling process at the same time.  We encourage our clients to understand what is happening so they can find ways to deal with the emotional roller-coaster.  We also encourage our clients to understand that their "soon-to-be-ex" spouses are also experiencing the stress of the uncoupling process.  

At some point, each party comes to the realization that the marriage is over. This includes the decision of the "leaver" to leave, and the acceptance by the person who is "left" that the marriage cannot be saved. It can occur weeks, months, or even years before the physical separation. It is characterized by an emotional distancing from the other party. During this stage of the uncoupling process, the client struggles with ambivalent feelings about the correctness of the decision. This stage is always the first stage of the process; the next several stages can come in a varied order.

In this stage, each party begins to realize that soon he or she will become solely responsible for his own economic destiny. Therefore, each begins to look for a way to restructure financial situation to be able to live without the benefit of, or responsibility for, the support of the other. It is an emotionally vulnerable time, with conflicting emotions of fear and freedom as the client seeks financial self-preservation and self-reliance. Some clients may feel the need to sacrifice financial assets, or to accept financial liabilities, as a "penance" to soothe their perceived guilt over the breakup of the marriage.  Other clients may seek an unfair economic advantage over his/her spouse as a way of seeking punishment. However, the future relationship between the parties can be enhanced if the economic uncoupling stage is handled in a way that allows both parties to succeed financially.  

This stage of uncoupling involves the restructuring of social relationships that the parties have enjoyed throughout their marriage. Whether the social relationships involve extended family members, or simply mutual friends, the parties will have to deal with the impact that a divorce produces on their mutual acquaintances. At the time when divorcing couples most need their friends for support, many parties perceive their mutual acquaintances as abandoning them. This is not unusual since the mutual friends will either take sides with the other party, or, more often, refuse to take sides in order to try to preserve relationships with both parties.

In this stage, your lawyer will fight to protect your legal rights and will provide advice to help you make informed decisions that will affect or determine the ultimate outcome of your case.  Your attorney will help negotiate agreements when this is appropriate, and will help protect you from entering into a patently unfair or unjust agreement. As your lawyers, we will also handle the technical details of obtaining court approval and the drafting or review of legally enforceable documents. To the client, the legal stage is fraught with uncertainty and anxiety. However, this anxiety can be reduced by consulting with us frequently during the divorce process. 

Seldom is there anything more volatile in a divorce than the discussion of what will happen to the kids after divorce. The way each party decides to resolve these differences will have a significant affect on the children and on their adjustment to the re-defined roles of their parents. Usually, the Court will approve the agreements and decisions of the parties related to the children, unless there is some overriding reason not to do so. When the parties are not able to come to agreement, the court will impose a solution. When this happens, it is likely that neither parent will be completely satisfied with the result. Therefore, unless there is some major character flaw in one of the parties, the children are often better served by negotiating a workable, mutually satisfying agreement between the parents.

This stage of uncoupling is always the last stage of the process and may occur months, or even years, after the legal divorce has been obtained. This occurs after all of the emotional feelings between the parties have been dealt with and played out. Anger is gone; grief is gone; guilt over a failed marriage is gone. Psychic uncoupling occurs when the client finally stops entertaining even the most remote possibility of a reunification of the parties. It is at this stage that the party is finally able to view the other not as an adversary, but as a previously significant player in the shaping of one's life. Ironically, it is the time when the real cooperative negotiation between the parties can, and, in the case of children, often does, occur.